Why is living with in-laws after marriage still a norm for Indian women?
While the man's life largely stays unchanged, the woman is expected to take up the responsibilities of a new set of people.
You can draw direct parallels to the sati practice of the 19th century and an expectation from the woman of 2021 to live with her in-laws.
Sati (as explained in an article in India Today): A practice among Hindu communities where a recently widowed woman, voluntarily or by force, immolates herself on her deceased husband's pyre. The woman who immolates herself is called a sati, which is also interpreted as a 'chaste woman' or a 'good and devoted wife'.
A woman living with her in-laws after marriage: A practice among most cultures where a recently married woman, voluntarily or by force, stays with her in-laws and shares her husband's room. The woman who does this without complaining about the generational gap and responsibilities of the elderly is called a 'sanskari bahu' or a 'good and devoted wife.'
If you look at the history of marriage, it started as a result of a man's desire to have his offspring take over the land he owned. That made him invent marriage in an otherwise polyamorous setting to tie a woman to him alone and ensure the child she bores is biologically his. With time, romanticism was introduced, the base of our perception of marriage today.
Since then, we have overcome certain evils of marriage, like the sati tradition or even child marriages, to a large extent. While lesser evils like kanyadaan, feet washing, name change of the bride, and many more such mentioned in this list stay.
What surprises me is that almost nobody seems to question the tradition of the woman going to her in-laws' place to live after marriage. Not even the list I shared above mentions this. Such a norm that we have made of a misogynistic ritual.
Why is it unfair?
- In most cases, the in-laws hardly adapt and evolve; the woman is expected to do all the hard work of bridging the generational gap.
- In every case, you enable patriarchal privilege by not questioning the girl's expectation to leave her parents to stay with her partner's parents.
- In most cases, in-laws need help understanding you have a life beyond your household duties. This leads to women giving up on their aspirations. Her life revolves around fulfilling duties as a good daughter-in-law.
- In most cases, the in-laws will take privacy for granted. This can have negative ramifications in her relationship with her spouse as well.
- Constant advising and the expectation for them to be fulfilled is another common feature of living with in-laws. Such constant patronizing is an invitation to stress and other mental health issues.
If we talk to more women, we will find several other reasons why it is difficult for them to stay with their in-laws. Although, it will take a humongous effort for these women, who have given up on thoughts as liberating as living independently, to talk without inhibitions.
There's a saying in the world of productivity: happiness brings success and not vice versa. This applies to families and in forging new familial bonds as well. Forming positive and beneficial bonds would be best if you were mentally healthy. If you take away the girl's peace of mind for all the reasons mentioned above, you can not expect successful family relationships.
I started this article by talking about the sati tradition. It was a norm, and society called those not following it notorious and unholy. The select few who raised their voices against it were shamed and criticized. Today, we stand at the same cusp of history where it is an almost unquestioned norm to expect women to stay with their in-laws after marriage. After a hundred years, people will probably read about this tradition, realize the level of misogyny and wonder what kind of society we formed for women. It is up to you to decide which side of history you want to stand. The ones who let it happen, or the ones who questioned the unjust.
The origins of marriage are marred with inequality and misogyny. The way we can mend them is by starting equals as a couple. It seems like a long way, but the conversation needs to begin today.
Thank you for reading! If you find yourself in a setting of a marriage or close to it, this could be a difficult read. But it is a necessary one. This world has changed for the better because some people questioned the norms and went against the wind to find new lands of thought and liberty. It is a continuous process, and we must start with the self and family.
